Thread for Funnies :)))
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Permalink Reply by Renel B. Peña on
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Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father"
Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."
The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."
Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin"
Man replies "Who is that?"
Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! You're blocking traffic!"
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Permalink Reply by Dawn Marie on
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ROFL...
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Permalink Reply by Cathleen on
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I think that one even topped the previous joke! Thanks, Renel!
ROFL!! :-D
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As I've mentioned before, my husband is an engineer. :-)
Top 25 Engineering Terms and Expressions (What they say, and what they really mean)
Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)
Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've messed up again.)
The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)
We're trying a number of different approaches. (We are still guessing, at this point.)
We're following the standard. (We've always done it this way.)
Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)
Years of development. (It finally worked.)
Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)
We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)
We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)
Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)
Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)
Please read and initial. (We want to spread around the responsibility.)
Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)
Tell us your interpretation. (Let's hear your bull.)
We'll look into it. (Forget it! We've got so many other problems already; we'll never get to it.)
No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)
Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're not likely able to fix it.)
All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)
Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)
Robust. (More than rugged.)
Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)
Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
I haven't gotten your email. (It's been days since I've checked my email.)
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Permalink Reply by Alan on
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WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!A farmer’s wife was making breakfast for her husband one morning, when suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen ...
"Be careful," he said.
"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh no! You're cooking too many at once.""TOO MANY! Turn them over! TURN THEM NOW!""We need more butter. WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?""They're going to STICK! Uh-oh, look at what you’re doing now!""You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!"The farmer continued in this same manner: "Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them! You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!"
The wife stared at her husband in disbelief! Then she said, "What in the world is wrong with you? Do you think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
Her husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it is like when I'm driving."
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A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and make such an obvious error, he replied,"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.......I had no Monet......to buy Degas........to make the Van Gogh"See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to Heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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got a couple more
An elderly Catholic lady was well-known for her faith and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say "The Lord God be praised" to all those who passed by.
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain’t no Lord God!!"Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for the Lord to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer "Oh Lord! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"One night the atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and found a large bag of groceries. She raised her hands and shouted, "The Lord God be praised!"The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."The old lady laughed and clapped her hands and said, "THE LORD GOD BE PRAISED. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"
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