Thread for Funnies :)))

[Dawn Marie]

[Dawn Marie]

Cathleen said:

I've tried to behave.....but since our dearly beloved Peter (cough, cough .....makes it sound like he's dead or something...).....since it's his birthday tomorrow --or maybe it's already today, Down Under....here's something special just for Peter!

Peter strolled into Alley's very busy florist shop.  On the front window was a very large sign:  "Say It With Flowers!"

Helping himself to the free peanuts on the counter, Peter said  "I'd like one rose, wrapped in paper, please."

"Just one rose, sir?" asked Alley (to make sure -- you never can tell with Peter)

"Yes, ma'am," replied Peter.  "I'm a man of few words."

Happy Birthday, Peter!

[Alley]

LOL yes come and chat Peter!! Come we'll sing Happy Birthday heehee

[Peter Baxter]

I really would like to say thanks to all my well-wishers out there, but, but something tells me this is a gee-up, let me explain.

For one, I get all my birthday greetings in ‘thread of funnies’ whereas everyone else gets their well wishes in the prayer section etc.. So what does that say? It says, “CATHLEEN, I know that you are behind this and I will not be sucked in again, okay”.

For those who think I am mean, let me put you in the picture. Back in the good old days of the Crusaders of the Immaculate Heart when DM, Cathleen, Alley, Gloria and myself were known as the famous five, we all got on extremely well and never told jokes mocking each other. Those were the days when our jokes were based on Roses are red, violets are blue…. compared to now where they offer me chocolate peanuts (minus chocolate). Mind you at the time I did not mind that because health wise it was they who would have all the problems when they got older. Well that was until that snitch Alley said to me, “Didn’t you know Cathleen’s pet dog does the licking?”  Yuck!

Anyway we were all best friends till the day I forgot Cathleen’s birthday. Our Cathleen was a little bit spoilt as a kid and grew up expecting to be the centre of attention. Just ask DM she will back me up, she even tried to warn me. Anyway as I said, it was Cathleen’s birthday and I cleaned forgot. All the many fine years of knowing our dear Cathleen, I forgot once, just once, that’s all. Surely, I thought, because I am tall, handsome, adorable (not my words but Gloria’s) I would be forgiven, but no!

When she realized that I forgot, thanks mostly to a telephone call from that snitch Alley, she came up to me sulking and without a hello Sweetie or any of her other familiar greetings  she snapped “Hey peanut boy”. Yep folks, she calls me some not very nice names when she’s mad. “Forgot my birthday did ya, well, tonight there better be something in the driveway, and it better go from naught to two hundred in five seconds” and she waddled, oops sorry Christian site, stormed away without an explanation of what she meant by that riddle.

All day I thought and thought and finally I clicked. Of course, silly me, what goes from naught to two hundred in five seconds? It’s so obvious when you know the answer. So I jumped on my Kanga-Mo-ped and bounced all the way to the shops before they closed.

That night when Cathleen came home from AA, she saw a package in the driveway. Well she thought (I wish she hadn’t) as she picked it up, maybe it is the keys and the manual to a brand spanking new red BMW. She picked it up, ran across to where I was camping by the billabong and said, “You are such a Darling, let’s open this together.”

Well, we did, and when all the wrapping paper was removed the bright red box was open to reveal, wait for it….., you ready…….., a brand new set of bathroom scales.

A couple of days later when I came to and detached the scales from an unfortunate part of my anatomy I had a funny feeling that things were not going to be the same among the famous five. To this day I don’t know if it was the colour, the shape, or the style of the bathroom scales that Cathleen took offense to.

So you can see why I am a bit wary to accept your chocolate cakes, peanuts (minus chocolate), greetings and well wishes. If I am wrong and there is an authentic (fair-dinkum) birthday wisher out there, then I say to you “Thanks mate!”  ; )

[Dawn Marie]

THAT was THE funniest thing I've ever seen, ever!  I kid you not, my husband and I both were on the floor in tears.  You done topped yourself Peter.  Unfortunately for you, when Cathleen reads this you may be in for it.  I'm afeared she gonna git ya.

[Cathleen]

Peter, I am so glad that the scales fell from your eyes and you could see things as they really are!  :-D

Here, just to be generous, have some more peanuts!  Maybe a nice helping of "Roo on a stick" - it's the special today at the Roadkill Grill & Pizzeria.  (you kill it, we grill it)

Happy, Happy Birthday, dear Peter, and many more.  You are a good egg to tease....and scramble around a little too!

[Sarah Louise Rita Armstrong]

Here is a funny joke :) Some of you have probably already heard this one:

The Atheist and the Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing.

He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh, God help me!...."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

:)

[Alley]

Steve and I laughed so hard we both had tears in our eyes. lol

[Peter Baxter]

I remember way back, when we were all mates

Drinkin’ at the Waltzing Matilda Roadkill bar

It used to scare me to death, I could hurdle gates

When our Cathleen would try and acts like a star

 

After six or seven beers she had downed

We were sittin' at a table havin’ a yarn

When Cathleen half disabled spun around

Liquor runnin' through her head

 

Soon I got to chokin', Ally wasn't kiddin’

We were wishing we were dead

When she grabbed me by the arm a snitchin’

“Don't look now, Cathleen’s tellin’  her jokes”

 

Annoying everybody, faces turnin' red

Some embarrassed, others just plain mad,

Watching Cathleen standing on the table.

People started leaving, thinkin’ “What a Looney”

 

There wasn’t much thinkin'

There's nothing anybody can do

you just hope and pray

There never comes a day

When Cathleen’s out drinkin' with you

 

Well, we got her outside

Her mouth full of peanuts

Leanin’ against Pete, her once best mate

She kept a hollerin’ in a state

 

 

“Mr. See owned a saw. And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.

Now, See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See,

Which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw

Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed

Soar's  seesaw”.

 

Now folks I’m a tellin’ you

That ain’t easy  when ya sober

You try sayin’ that with a belly full of liquor

And a mouth full of peanuts.

 

By the time she had finished

That stupid old limerick

We were still there on the sidewalk

Bespattered with peanuts, feeling a touch sick.

 

Who happened to pass-by, but Mario the copper!

Stopped, stared, said to Cathleen

“You must be a saint to go with these peanut kookies,

Now get them home before I throw them in the slammer”

 

I kid you not, this problem you can glean

Just ask DM, Alley, Gloria and Allen, no fear

But just be aware when out drinkin’ with Cathleen

She is our buddy and we do forgive the poor dear.

[Cathleen]

WHOA!  What IS in that billibong water anyway?  You sound like you've had a few too many yerself, mate!

;-D

Waltzing Matilda......WALTZING MATILDA!....yuh'll come-a waltzing Matilda with MEEEE!

Ok, mate, let's have another one!  Pass the peanuts!!  Whoppee!!

[Alley]

LOL

[Dawn Marie]

[Dawn Marie]