Thread for Funnies :)))

[Dawn Marie]

[Cathleen]

There was a terrible accident at the Crusaders office and three poor souls went off to stand before St. Peter at Heaven's Gates:  Cathleen, DM and Peter B.

The first one in line was DM. St. Peter looked in his book and then at DM.  "If you can answer this simple question, I will let you in.  What is the name of the liner which sank in April 1912 in the North Atlantic?"

DM smiled.  "The Titanic!" she replied.

"Ok," said St. Peter, "come in."

The next in line (she probably pushed her way up) was Cathleen.  St. Peter looked at her and then at his book and then asked, "So how many went down with the Titanic?"

Cathleen looked startled and then nervous, but then she said, "About 1519 people." (she liked to read books of odd facts)

"Correct," said St. Peter, "come in."

Now Peter was a bit confident, having his patron saint there and all, so he stepped forward.

St. Peter looked him up and down, checked his book again, and then asked, "Ok, name them all."

[Dawn Marie]

Phew am I glad I was asked the first question! 

LOL

[Peter Baxter]

Without mentioning any names some people on this site are cyber bullying, and being innocent of this grave charge myself I am going to write a disclaimer just in case someone out of malice thinks otherwise.

The persons and events in my stories/jokes are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons or predators, (Cathleen), living or dead, is purely accidental and unintentional, unless through vanity they wish to claim it is themselves.

So my story continues, after being severely ridiculed, and the events spread far and wide I had to leave not only the Crusaders but the country. I felt like everyone was snickering and chuckling at me, even strangers, I was getting depressed so depressed that I carried around a bicycle pump with me. I applied for a call centre job which I got and moved to India for a three month training course. Before I left I received a letter from Mario Joseph which said that he had taken over my position at Crusaders where he could help himself to free peanuts, I didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth.

Anyway my training went very well and for this job I had to change my name from Peter to Punjab, and also I had to change my accent, no good someone phoning up and you say hallo Punjab here how may I help you in an English accent.

So I passed my training without too much fuss and was put in charge of my very first call up telephone and was hired by a computer company to help with computer problems. This can be very interesting and no two phone calls are the same, I will give you a few examples.

Ring Ring Ring goes the telephone “Hello, Punjab here whose speaking please how are you today and how may I help you” You must say this in one breath without gaps to sound like a professional call up person.

“Yes hello Cathleen here from … : I have problems printing in red... “

I replied “Do you have a colour printer?”

“ Aaaah....................thank you.:” said Cathleen and hung up.

It is satisfying to know you have helped someone. Shortly after I got another call which was from the same company.

Ring Ring Ring goes the telephone “Hello, Punjab here whose speaking please how are you today and how may I help you”

“Gidday Poojar its Alley speaking. I can't get my diskette out. “

Me Says: “Have you tried pushing the Button? “

“Yes, sure, it's really stuck.” Was her reply, well good to know she understands tech talk.

I say a bit confused “That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.”

When Alley promptly replies “No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it in yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....”

You wouldn’t believe it but yes….

Ring Ring Ring goes the telephone “Hello, Punjab here whose speaking please how are you today and how may I help you”

After telling me that her name is DM, really who calls herself DM but anyway she thought I was stupid enough to believe her, she explained the problem and this is where I try and help.

Punjab  "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

DM "OK".

Me "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

DM "No".

Punjab "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

DM: "No".

Punjab "OK, DM. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

DM  "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

Oh boy Punjab better hand this one on to my supervisor.

[Alley]

I have been laughing for a good 5 minutes and then breathed a sigh of relief that it was not me.

  

[Alley]

Cathleen, Peter you two are great and so funny.

[Alley]

LOL what a set up!   

[Dawn Marie]

I've posted this before on here but had to delete it because the youtube user closed their account so the link was no longer good.

But I found the same one on another link :)

[Dawn Marie]

What a nut!   hahahaha  pun intended :) 

[Cathleen]

Ok, Ok, I can take a hint..... I will lay off picking on poor innocent Peter for awhile.  After all, his feast day is coming up at the end of this week.... ;-D

Just don't go fishing that day and decide to step out of the boat in the middle of the lake!  :-o

[Cathleen]

Six retirees were playing poker in the Crusaders  condo clubhouse when Cathleen drops $500 on a single hand, clutches her heart and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing but they do so standing up.

At the end of the game, DM looks around and says, "So, who's gonna tell her husband?"

They cut the cards.  Peter draws the lowest card so he has to relay the news.

They tell him to be discreet....be gentle....don't make a bad situation worse.

"Discreet?  I'm the most discreet person in the world!  Discretion is my middle name!  Leave it to me."

Peter goes over to Cathleen's condo and knocks on the door.

Cathleen's long-suffering husband answers the door and asks what Peter wants.

Peter says, "Your wife just dropped $500 in a poker game and she's afraid to come home."

"Tell her to drop dead!" says the husband.

"I'll go tell her," replies Peter.

[Cathleen]

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.  He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was difficult work for him as the ground was quite hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son, describing his predicament.

Dear Vincent,

I'm feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to have my tomato garden this year.  I'm just getting too old to dig the ground any more.  I know if you were here my troubles would be over.  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, just like in the old days.

Love, Pop

A couple of days later, the old man received a reply in the mail.

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up the garden.  That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and the local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and then left.

Later that same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  That was the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinne

[Alley]

Oh you mean it is going to end (sad face) and it was just getting good heehee