Thread for Funnies :)))

[Dawn Marie]

[Cathleen]

A lonely frog once phoned the psychic hotline and asked what his future held for him.

The psychic said, "You will meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog was thrilled.  "Oh!  Will I meet her at a party?"  he croaked.

"No," said the psychic, "in biology class."

[Cathleen]

Don't count yer chickens......

Two rednecks met up on a dusty country road.  One of them was carrying a bag labeled "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?" said the first guy.  "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you have in that there bag, will ya give me one?"

"Heck," said the second guy, "iffin you guess right, I'll give ya both of 'em."

The first guy scratched his head and said, "Ummm...... five?"

[Dawn Marie]

oh boy!  that sounds just like the folks down here in Floriduh. oops did I say that :)

[Cathleen]

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor's office, she always complained to me about the long delay she endured.

One day, when her name was finally called, my aunt was asked to step up onto the scale.  "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.

Without a moment's hesitation my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"

[Dawn Marie]

[Cathleen]

Kick the can!

My dog is worried about the economy.  Today, in the store, Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.

That's almost $7.00 in dog money.

[Cathleen]

Sometimes truth IS stranger than fiction!  :-)

Thanks, DM!

[Dawn Marie]

Someone sent me these:

[Dawn Marie]

doggone I almost missed this one!

ok, ok I know, boo hiss, boo hiss

At least the otter thought it was funny :)

[Alan]

Courtesy of Cindy....

The Deaf Wife Problem

Jim feared his wife Bev wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Bev, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Bev, what's for dinner?'

 

'For Heaven’s sake, Jim, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

[Alan]

One more courtesy of Cindy...

Don't let your worries get the best of you;
Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
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Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
Until you try to sit in their pews.
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Many folks want to serve God,
But only as advisers.
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It is easier to preach ten sermons
Than it is to live one.
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The good Lord didn't create anything without

a purpose, But mosquitoes come close.
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When you get to your wit's end,
You'll find God lives there.
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Opportunity may knock once,
But temptation bangs on the front door forever.
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If a church wants a better pastor,
It only needs to pray for the one it has.
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God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until
he is dead. So why should you?
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Some minds are like concrete
Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
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Be ye fishers of men.

You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.
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Stop, Drop, and Roll won't work in Hell.
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Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
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Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
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Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
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God doesn't call the qualified,
He qualifies the called.
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God grades on the cross, not the curve.
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God promises a safe landing,

not a calm passage.
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He who angers you,

controls you!
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If God is your Co-pilot,

swap seats!
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Prayer: Don't give God instructions,

just report for duty!
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The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.
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The Will of God never takes you to where the
Grace of God will not protect you.
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We don't change the message,
The message changes us.
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The best mathematical equation ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
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[Cathleen]

I know it's Lent and all, but.....ROFL, that was a good one!  Ha,ha,ha!!!