Thread for Funnies :)))

[Dawn Marie]

[Cathleen]

Thanks, DM and Cindy!  I really don't know whether to laugh or cry!

I had something like the above happen to me in a grocery store several years ago.  I bought some pretty roses as an 80th birthday gift for a friend's mother.  The teen-aged "bag boy" remarked to the check-out gal, "I didn't know that roses came with thorns.  I always thought they didn't."  I bit my lip very hard. 

[Cathleen]

In a similar vein as the stories above.......this one is true as well.

Several years ago, a friend in NC was waiting in line at a grocery store check-out behind an elderly couple.  The man was wearing a hat which said "World War 2 Veteran."  The young check out girl saw the hat and remarked, "Oh, did you serve in World War 2?"  My friend grabbed a magazine and pretended to read it to hide his laughter.  The man didn't miss a beat and said, "yes I did."  His wife added, "we met during the war," and looked fondly at her husband.  To which the girl said, "oh, I thought World War 2 happened like 100 years ago or something."  My friend almost lost it.  The elderly man paid the girl and  said, "oh no, I assure you,  we are still very much alive."  :-)

And people wonder why I homeschool my kids!

[Dawn Marie]

oh my goodnes!  lol

That's what I call nuttin between the ears!

[Cathleen]

Three Irishmen were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road going past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here!" exclaims the first.  "It's Michael O'Grady's grave.  God rest his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says the second man, "here's Patrick O'Toole who lived to be 95!"

Just then the third fella yells out, "But here's a guy who died when he was 145 years old!"

"What's his name?" asked the first man.

The third man lights a match to read the stone marker and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

[Dawn Marie]

C.C.  Short for Courtesy of Cindy :)))

 

SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!

[Dawn Marie]


A Letter To God
Humor (from the archives)

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day just before Christmas, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had "$100" in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Saturday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those dirty rotten thieves at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna



[Cathleen]

An elderly woman just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder.

As she caught the man stealing her valuables, she summoned all her courage and yelled, "Stop!  Acts 2:38!" ("Turn from your sin and be baptized.")

The burglar stopped in his tracks.  The woman then calmly called the police and told them what she had done.

As the police officer handcuffed the burglar, he asked "Why did you just stop like that?  All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."

"Scripture?" said the offender. "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!"

[Cathleen]

Here's a good one.....

One night a torrential rain soaked the town.  The next morning the resulting flood waters came up about six feet in most people's houses.

Helga had been visiting her friend Lena when the flood hit, so they both escaped to the roof of Lena's house.

As they were waiting on the roof for help to come, Helga noticed a baseball cap floating near the house.  Then she saw it float out near the front yard, and then come back towards the house. 

It kept floating away from the house, and then would come back in.

Her curiosity got the best of her, and Helga asked Lena, "Do you see that cap floating out from the house and then coming back again?"

"Oh yes," replied Lena.  "That is my lazy husband Fred.  I told that man that he was going to cut the grass today, come hell or high water."

[Cathleen]

I can picture my 5-yr-old doing this!

After watching the movie "Cinderella," five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was the fairy godmother.  "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."

Her mom first asked for world peace.  Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the wish fulfilled.

Next, her mother requested a cure for all ill children.  Again, with a sweep of her pinwheel, Sarah obliged.

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish.  "I wish to have a trim figure again."

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.

"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.  

:-D

[Dawn Marie]

Good one!

[Cathleen]

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of the car and gave out a long, painful groan.  He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a little bit.

"Come on now.  You don't have to take it so hard, buddy.  It's not that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist.  "Then maybe you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

[Cathleen]

One day at a diner, a man suddenly yelled out, "Help!  Help!  My son's choking!  He swallowed a quarter!  Someone, help!"

A man from a nearby table announced that he was very experienced in this sort of thing.  He calmly walked over, wrapped his arms around the boy's abdomen and squeezed.  Out popped the quarter.

The man then walked back to his table as if nothing had happened.

"Thank you!  Thank you!" cried the father.  "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man.  "I work for the IRS."