Thread for Funnies :)))

[Dawn Marie]

[Cathleen]

Defies gravity.....and logic!

When NASA first started sending astronauts up into space, they soon discovered that regular ball point pens don't work in zero gravity.

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion for a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and and at temperatures from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.

The Russians used a pencil.

[Dawn Marie]

[Alan]

courtesy of Cindy

Important things to think about

                            for 2012...

 

 

We survived the year 2011, and I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. 

 

 

I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

 

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

 

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

 

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

 

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom..

 

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

 

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

 

I now have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

 

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

 

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

 

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

 

 

THANKS TO ALL YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

 

I am glad I dont drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

 

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

 

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

 

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

 

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

 

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

 

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...

 

I no longer buy cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe..

 

Especial thanks to the person who sent me this one  - THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.  I especially enjoyed that email.

 

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

 

Or maybe this will help you all - 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Now was that at the bottom of the last email I was sent or something similar !!!!

 

 

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 

 

P. S.: What the heck it was fun in 2011 - lets do it all again in 2012.

[Cathleen]

Hired Help

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store.  "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.

"No," he said, "thank you, but we have all the staff we need."

"Well, then would you mind getting someone to come wait on me?" she asked.

[Cathleen]

Your jeep, Sir!

During training exercises, a young lieutenant was driving down a very muddy back road when he encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys.  "Yours is."

[Cathleen]

On a joint military exercise, an English soldier, an American soldier and a Russian soldier found themselves sharing the same tent.  The conversation turned to how each of them was so well-fed in their respective armies.

"In Russian army we are given 2000 calories of food a day," said the Russian soldier.

"Well," replied the Englishman," in the British army we are given 4000 calories of food a day."

"That's nothing," said the American, "in the US Army we get 8000 calories of food a day!"

At this, the Russian grew very annoyed.  "Nonsense!  How could one man eat so much cabbage?"

[Cathleen]

I had my hand on the mouse the whole time......oh dear!  :-D

[Dawn Marie]

The Masked Bandit!!!  Guess he was tired of sleeping on the floor Rofl!

[Dawn Marie]

I love this one :) 

[Dawn Marie]

o.k. my turn...found this one today

Don't Bump into the Wall
Humor

A funeral service is being held in a chuch for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the women is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out.

As they are walking, the husband calls out, "Watch out for the wall!"

[Cathleen]

ROFL!  :-)  Good one, DM!  I like the cartoon too!  :-)

[Cathleen]

My mother once gave me two sweaters for my birthday.  The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.

As I came in her house, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter?  You didn't like the other one?"