Thread for Funnies :)))
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Permalink Reply by Cathleen on
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An English professor dreaded his Tuesday morning class, which was filled with some of the densest students he had ever encountered. One morning, he spent a painful hour explaining figures of speech. When he asked for questions, there was a long silence before a young man in the back raised his hand.
"Could you put it in a nutshell for me?" he asked.
Feeling frustration rising in him, the professor retorted, "Just get it into your brain. Then it'll be in a nutshell."
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A frustrated fisherman just got off the lake and went into a fishmonger's shop. He told the owner, "I'd like some fish to take home with me. Can you make them look like they were caught today?"
"How many?" the owner asked.
"Three or four, ....perch, let's say. You know, a decent amount, without seeming to exaggerate."
"You should take trout instead."
"Why is that?"
"No reason, really, except that your wife was here this morning and said that if you came by, I should recommend trout. It's her favorite."
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Permalink Reply by Dawn Marie on
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My husband loved this one!
(me too of course ;)
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Sister Mary Ann, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of petrol. As luck would have it, a Petrol station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a petrol can and buy some petrol. The attendant told her that the only petrol can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the petrol into her tank, two of another faith watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
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On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches (25cm) of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow ploughs can get through conveniently".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must
park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs
can get through.
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "
Then the power went off. . . . . . . .!
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
"I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?
"Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are
married to blondes (and those with grey hair) always exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"
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Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas :
There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos . During Sunday services at the offertory ,some worshipers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash.. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos , and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.
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And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.
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COURTESY OF Michael Wilson :)
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and beer gut, and still think they are cute.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
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A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa, FL.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago," he solemnly stated. "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with with MSG. High-fat diets are disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term effect of the hazards in our drinking water."
"However, there is one thing which is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten it or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is, which will cause the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, one old gentleman in the front row raised his hand and softly said,"Wedding cake."
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