Thread for Funnies :)))

[Dawn Marie]

[Peter Baxter]

I enjoyed my time in India, it was great but was getting a bit home sick. I was pleased when DM, Cathleen and Alley came for a little visit and to celebrate my birthday. I was worried at first though, but after reading Cathleen’s promise that she would lay off the bullying I really thought that they had no ulterior motive but to wish me many happy returns.

They were only here for a week as they had left Mario in charge of Crusaders and DM and the girls had left only a week’s supply of peanuts for him.

As usual in the rainy season it was raining cows and elephants, so we decided, (well when I say we, you can understand that when we are talking DM, Alley and Cathleen poor Punjab Pete doesn’t get a say in the ‘we’) to have a few vodka mango lassis at the local drinking hole. I was well behaved but the girls could not handle this Indian beverage and got a bit wobbly in the knees and their voices were slurring with a hic hic between every second word. Anyway, they decided to hire a motorized rickshaw and explore some of the country side. Why anyone would do this at this time of year is crazy but they insisted.. Cathleen is the type of girl that when she has had a few drinks, and a few more, is stubborn and insisted on driving and as usual got her way.

We were driving in the country doing about 50mph when this old man appeared at the window and he tap tapped gently on the window.  The girls jumped at this so called ghost and Cathleen put her foot down on the accelerator and increased speed. After a couple of minutes, the old man appeared in the passenger window and tap tapped gently again on the window. DM, Alley and Cathleen all gave a slurred screamed and Cathleen again put her foot to the floor but that old ghost just stayed there. I was the only with enough courage and bravery and wound my window partially down and said “Wwwhat  ddo you wwwant?”  to which he replied “Would it be that you would be wanting a tow out of my rice paddy, because you are making a jolly fine mess of it?”.

The old Indian ghost got his pet elephant and pulled us out and we continued on our merry way, although understandably we did swap drivers. We came to a bridge where we saw a woman standing on the edge just about to jump. Alley stopped the car and decided that I should be the chivalrous one to get out and rescue this damsel in distress. “What should I say?” I asked. Alley replied “Go ask her for a kiss” “What?!!” I exclaimed.  She continued ”Yes, you can tell a lot from a kiss, if it is just a peck, how long it is, you can tell by the kiss if she is serious about jumping or not.”

Not knowing anything else to try I got out of the car and in the only Indian accent I knew I said “Hello Punjab here how are you today how can I help you and can I have a kiss?” Well!!! she got down off the ledge, quite an attractive she was and came over to me and planted a very nice long kiss on my lips. I said to her, ”Wow that was a very nice kiss why do you want to jump?” My world fell apart when she answered in a rather deep voice that startled me “My mum and dad won’t allow me to wear woman’s clothes anymore, oh and Happy Birthday”  Eww yuk what did I just do I should have known by the moustache that something was up , I turned around… and there in the car were DM, Alley and Cathleen, yes, yes, what else, laughing their heads off, high fiving each other. Poor Punjab Pete had been set up again, the three Crusaderteers couldn't   even leave him alone on his special day, well that says it all, don’ it.

[Cathleen]

Happy Birthday, St. Peter!  And many more with us gals here at the Crusaders!

Cheers!  ;-D

[Peter Baxter]

DM’s expensive new car radio

From which the sound had recently vacated

Caused her to complain to the fellow

Who replied “voice activated”

 

So DM said “country” in a loud voice

That all radios around could hear

To which she started to rejoice

When she heard it loud and clear

 

She was happy with her radio now

And switched to Rock and roll

When someone crossed her bow

And caused DM to lose control

 

The car shot forward like a rocket

The car coughed and almost chokes

She shouted “YOU STUPID IDIOT “

And her radio switched to one of Pete’s jokes

 

My three months stay in India was over and I had to give a humorous twenty minute speech, but being a serious type, humour doesn’t come easy for me, it also had to be in an Indian dialect. I asked Cathleen to help me which she did without too much fuss. She came up with a speech which she was proud of and said it was full of humour.  But on the night when I gave the speech, it did not go for twenty minutes but a whole hour.  Everyone got bored and quite a few left. After I had finished I went down to confront Cathleen,

"Why did you write me an hour-long speech?" I demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

Cathleen was baffled.

"I did write you a 20-minute speech," she replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

 

Stop Stop oh please stop

This radio surely is dodgy

It really is an absolute flop

That I must listen to this Aussie.

[Dawn Marie]

[Dawn Marie]

[Peter Baxter]

DM, Cathleen and Alley  all sat together every evening in a park and talk non-stop.

 

One day they were sitting very very quietly.

 

Peter who would walk past the noisy group every day was surprised to see them all so quiet.

 

He inquired about this to which they replied, "You see, today we are ALL present, so we don't know who to gossip about."

"Hey you started it DM" said Peter running

[Cathleen]

Trying to be nice after all his recent pranks, Peter decided to take his friends DM, Cathleen and Alley for a ride in his motorized rickshaw.  But being an Aussie he was unfamiliar with American speed limits so he was soon pulled over by a policeman.

As the policeman approached their rickshaw, Peter told the Girls, "Let me handle this one."

Peter:  "What's the problem, Officer?"

Policeman:  "Sir, you were going 75 in a 55 mph zone."

Peter:  "No sir, I was going 65."

Cathleen:  "Oh, Peter, you were going at least 80."

Peter gives her a dirty look.

Policeman: "I am also going to have to give you a ticket for a broken tail light."

Peter:  "Broken tail light?  What broken tail light?"

Alley:  "Oh, Peter, you've been talking about that tail light for weeks."

Peter gives her a dirty look.

Policeman:  "I am also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."

Peter:  "But I just took it off when you were walking up to the rickshaw."

DM:  "Oh Peter you never wear your seat belt."

Peter:  "You girls should just shut up!"

Policeman:  (getting peeved):  "Ladies, does this man always talk to you this way?"

DM: (smiling sweetly):  "Oh, no sir.  Only when he's drunk."

[Alley]

You know I don't know what Peter would do with us!! LOL (I'm smiling sweetly too heehee)

[Alley]

Gossip is such an ugly word I prefer the phrase "unconstrained conversation" much better don't you

DM and Cathleen!?? 

[Dawn Marie]

Yeah, yeah that's it, "unrestrained conversation"  LOL

[Cathleen]

Oh, no, not us!  We don't gossip.  We women just "chat." 

[Cathleen]

A doctor asked his patient (Peter) about his activity level and how he spent a typical day (well, besides typing all sorts of things about his Crusader friends)

"Well, doctor," began Peter, "yesterday I took a five hour walk through four miles of rough terrain.  I waded along the edge of a lake, got sand in my shoes, climbed several more rocky hills and nearly stepped on a snake."

"Wow!  You must be one heck of an outdoors-man!" said the doctor, much impressed.

"No," replied Peter, "I am one heck of a bad golfer."