Thread for Funnies :)))
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Permalink Reply by Cathleen on
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Cathleen decided since it was Christmas Eve to try to patch things up with Peter (aka Pvt. Baxter). When Peter came back to the barracks, all hot and sweaty, with dishpan hands from washing all the pots, Cathleen handed him a nicely wrapped gift. Eying it suspiciously, Peter gingerly took the package and sat down to open it. "Peanuts! My favorite! However did you know?" said Peter, always the gentleman, "thank you very much."
Cathleen replied, "Oh it's nothing. And they are nice and fresh too. But Peter, don't you have anything for me? In fact, I dreamed the other night that you gave me a nice big gift, just to patch things up between the two of us."
"Oh," replied Peter, with a mouthful of peanuts, "Yes, of course. I almost forgot you hinting,...I mean, mentioning something like that the other day on the parade ground when I was on my 67th push-up. Yes, here is a little something for you." And Peter graciously hands Cathleen a brightly wrapped package.
Eagerly, Cathleen tore into the wrapping paper, opened the box.....and pulled out a small book........titled, "The Meanings of Dreams."
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Permalink Reply by Alley on
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LOL dreamt "a nice BIG gift" - a book "meanings of dreams" boy if there isn't a
hidden meaning there lol
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Permalink Reply by Dawn Marie on
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Peter finally was feeling better....the bump on his head from the thrown book ("The Meaning of Dreams") was finally going down. So Peter decided to work on his New Year's Resolution of getting in shape and exercising.
He decided to visit the Crusaders Complex Gym and Fitness Centre (for those Down Under). Peter trundled....I mean, walked up to the front desk.
"I'd like to get into better shape this New Year," he said to the desk clerk (who looked suspiciously familiar)
"But you are already a shape......round is a shape," replied Cathleen, I mean, the Clerk, snickering.
Peter turned red, so the clerk hastily pulled out some forms. "Ok, ok, here are some standard forms, let's fill them out, shall we?"
Name, address, etc, etc. "Now, what do you hope to get out of this exercise program, sir?" asked Cathleen,...the Clerk.
"Well," drawled Peter in his Down Under accent, "there is this skinny chap inside me who is dying to get out, but usually I sedate him with several cupcakes."
"I see," said Cathleen, the Clerk, looking cross-eyed at Peter.
"But I can't help it!" explained Peter. "All my trouble started on my last birthday. my friends DM and Alley gave me a large peanut cake! And because it was MY cake on MY birthday,....well, of course, I had to eat the whole thing!"
The Clerk sighed.
"Then, realizing what I had done, I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth, so I washed it out with ice cream," said Peter, looking contrite.
"Ok, sir, we are here to help you (right off a cliff)....no, no, that's not what I meant....." said the Clerk. "If you will just follow me, I will show you our facilities and we will design a special exercise program just for you."
By the end of the week, Peter had graduated from the stationary car to the stationary bike.......
To be continued......
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Red-faced and sweaty, Peter staggered out of the Crusaders Complex Gym & Fitness Centre. But he was proud of himself....at the end of the hour he had triumphed and finally managed to bend over and tie his shoes. Now he was ferociously hungry. Peter looked up and noticed the Roadkill Grill & Pizzeria just down the block, so hoisting himself up he headed down the street for something good to eat.
Peter was studying the menu when Cathleen the waitress came up, snapping her gum. "Whaddya want, hon?" she drawled.
"Ah dunno," drawled Peter back in his Aussie accent. "The 'Roo on a Stick Special is always good.....but maybe something different....Ah dunno, Ah'm so 'ungry I could eat a bear right now!"
"Oooo, we have a special on bear today," squealed Cathleen the waitress, "and it's nice and fresh too! Not like the 'roo." At that, she wrinkled her nose. "How about our Blue Plate Special Bear Platter? Comes with fries and a dill pickle too!"
"Ah dunno," said Peter. "Maybe I'll just have the Dieter's Special....some nice kale chips and carrot sticks....after that last work-out and all....oh, ah dunno....."
What will Peter do? To be continued.......
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Blearily, Peter looked around the room...he was still at the Roadkill Grill & Pizzeria.....but, oh, did his head hurt!
"Dratted females!" muttered Peter. "How am I supposed to know what offends 'em? Just because I suggested to Cathleen the waitress that she could use that Dieter's Special more than I could....." Gingerly, Peter touched the bumps on his head from where he had been hit on the head (repeatedly) with a pizza pan. "Helpless woman, my eye!" said Peter. "I need to speak to the proprietor of this establishment....."Peter noticed a door with a small sign saying "Manager." He walked over and knocked politely on the door.
"Come in!" said a voice. Pushing open the door, Peter's mouth hung open. "Oh, no!" he thought to himself, "she can't have a twin, can she?" For the manager looked exactly like Cathleen the waitress who had just beaned him with the pizza pan.....Now what happens to our hero? To be continued..............
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"Dratted females!" muttered Peter. "How am I supposed to know what offends 'em? Just because I suggested to Cathleen the waitress that she could use that Dieter's Special more than I could....." Gingerly, Peter touched the bumps on his head from where he had been hit on the head (repeatedly) with a pizza pan. "Helpless woman, my eye!" said Peter. "I need to speak to the proprietor of this establishment....."
oh my goodness! my side...
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Peter decided to beat a hasty retreat before he got beaten down again...with either that woman's sharp tongue or a pizza pan. "Excuse me, miss, my mistake," he said, ever the gentleman, and backed out the door.
Peter emerged into the bright sunshine and went back down the winding path to his office at the Crusaders Condo Complex. Entering the door, he snatched a LARGE handful of peanuts (remember, he never did get that Blue Plate Bear Special at the Grill). "Afternoon, All, " he said to the other staff (DM, Gloria, Alley).
"Oh, Mr. Baxter," said Alley, "there is a gent here waiting for you to interview him for the new accountant's position."
"Oh, fine, fine, send him in straight away," replied Peter.
Alan entered Peter's office. "Oh, hullo," said Peter. "So you want to be our new accountant, eh? So what's 2 + 2?"
Alan looked confused. "Why, it's 4, of course," he replied.
Peter straightened up as much as a man of his girth stature could. "No, sorry. Wrong answer. Thank you for coming 'round."
Alan looked even more confused but left.
Soon Bill came in the door. Same question from Peter: "What's 2 + 2? with the same confusing results.
"Miss Alley, do we have any more applicants?" asked Peter (Ever the Gentleman)
"There is a lady out here who says she can solve any problem you have," replied Alley.
"Well, okay, show her in," said Peter, looking down at his papers. When he looked up, he almost fainted. It was that same woman again.....she was even snapping her gum.....
Composing himself (No, there can't be three of 'em! he thought) Peter gave her the little accounting test: "Right then, so what is 2 + 2?" he asked.
Snapping her gum, Cathleen the large woman replied, "Anything you want it to be, toots! And by the way, your peanuts are stale."
To be continued........
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Peter used to be happy to go to the Crusaders Office but now he dreaded it. Opening the door he immediately reached for the peanut bowl on the counter....but found only a few broken shells.. "That woman again," thought Peter.
From down the hall came a loud, high-pitched screeching song. "Oh no, she's warming up again....this early in the morning?" thought Peter, clenching his jaw and putting his hands over his ears.
The Office Manager DM spotted Peter and came running over. "Yoo hoo, Peter! Oh, I can't tell you how happy I am that you hired that Cathleen new accountant! She's done Wonders with the numbers! Our account books never looked so good before! She even managed to fix the odometer in the company motorized rickshaw, so now it has only 154,567 km on it! Thank you, Peter, for bringing her here!"
"Oh, DM, please....Ah can't take it no more!" said Peter mournfully. "Sure, she's done wonders with the numbers, but that screeching singing has just got to stop! Ah'm going out of me gourd wi' it....especially when she starts in on "Waltzin' Matilda" and murders poor Matilda with that blasted American English of hers! Can't she be brought up on charges of some sort?"
Poor persecuted Peter.....what will happen to our hero next?
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